Ask Your Therapist…

How does Relational Therapy Work with Polyamory?

Relational therapy can be intimidating! As a polyamorous person, it can be particularly challenging. Laying out all the nuances of your relationship, alongside a therapist who is getting into the nitty-gritty of you and your partner’s lives, can be stressful. Adding the fact that you might have to ‘come out’ as being a person who has a partner or multiple partners can be scary. But it doesn’t always have to be.

What to expect

You might have a perfect picture of what this experience can look like. Sitting down on a big couch with four or more people, and sorting out what went wrong during the Mario Kart tournament, which got a little too heated. This scenario is totally possible if that is what you are looking for! You might not have a clear idea of who you even want involved, and that is entirely okay, valid, and worthy, too. Some poly-affirming therapists will offer “one-off” relational sessions for new relationships or interpersonal conflict. Poly-affirming therapy is much like this, but with more frequent “one-off” type sessions. If you are seeing a poly-affirming therapist individually, you can expect them to refer you out for ongoing conjoint sessions with your partner or your partner’s partner (also called a metamour), unless it is a one-off session (American Counseling Association, 2014, Section A.6.d.). Recurrent sessions with someone’s individual therapist may cause alignment and factions that are potentially harmful (American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, 2015, Standard 1.3). During poly systems therapy, you can expect to be able to speak freely and openly about yourself, your metamour, or others, and receive judgement-free care. Sometimes, it might feel like the therapist is ‘taking sides,’ which can be uncomfortable, but is a sign that the therapist is understanding the situation and aligning with different members of the relationship. As long as it doesn’t feel imbalanced or unhelpful, this is a normal part of relational therapy. If this discomfort feels overwhelming, you can bring this forward to your therapist, because it is helpful feedback. You can expect your therapist to acknowledge, validate, and adapt to the feedback each partner provides. You can also expect to be able to talk about sex openly and freely as you feel comfortable.

What to watch out for

If you feel your therapist is slut-shaming you or invalidating your identity, you should not have to continue feeling this way. If you are experiencing intense negative feelings about the therapist’s offerings or understanding during the first 3 sessions, please speak up. While being aware and mindful of the vibe, trust your gut. You know what is best, and stepping into your own power and wisdom is essential. Speak up, and bring these thoughts forward if you feel enabled to do so. This can feel intimidating, but it is extremely beneficial to everyone. Relational therapy is relational, including with the therapist.

What if you want to add partners or partners’ partners?

Just ask. It’s a conversation worth having when you are ready. Your metamour may need to sign additional paperwork and will likely go through a brief review of confidentiality and policy when adding a participant. If you feel it is important to your relationship, your relationship with the polycule including new people is the primary focus, so it is worthy of the attention you want to give, including various partners.

What to do as a client to improve the experience

Do your research. Find a therapist who is not simply “aware”, but if it is important to you, find a therapist with lived experience. Being flexible and being forthcoming. Speak your truth and be bold. Coming in with a list of recent thoughts, feelings, or ideas about what happened in conflict can be incredibly useful, but it is not mandatory. Your therapist should be amenable to being flexible with your polycule, or they should offer you referrals when necessary (American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, 2015, Standard 1.9).

How to know if relational therapy with your polycule is working

Do your friends notice a difference in your relationship? If you feel like you are making progress, then you most certainly are. If you feel you are in the exact same place, hashing out the same conflicts, you are perhaps making more progress than you are aware of. Therapy, especially polyamorous relational therapy, is not a series of breakthroughs each session. Showing up regularly and consistently, even if you feel at a lull, is part of the progress. This is also a good opportunity to enhance your ability to communicate within the system, which now includes your therapist.

Written by Evan Gillum

References:

American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. (2015). AAMFT code of ethics. Retrieved from http://www.aamft.org/resources/lrm_plan/ethics/ethicscode2001.asp

American Counseling Association. (2014). 2014 ACA code of ethics. American Counseling Association. https://www.counseling.org/resources/aca-code-of-ethics.pdf

Further Readings:

Dealing with Difficult Metamours by Page Turner – Turner, P. (2019). Dealing with difficult metamours: A troubleshooting guide for getting along with your partner's other partner(s). Braided Studios.

Ethical Slut –  Easton, D., & Hardy, J. W. (2017). The ethical slut: A practical guide to polyamory, open relationships, and other freedoms in sex and love (3rd ed.). Ten Speed Press.

Polysecure by Jessica Fern – Fern, J. (2020). Polysecure: Attachment, trauma and consensual nonmonogamy. Thorntree Press.

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